The Oscar goes to.

I saw your blog response.

Frankly speaking, I was expecting you to keep mum from my last response; To just get to the point, answer my questions (You didn’t answer everything, as expected. Only take the parts useful for yourself, and dump the rest), and then just leave it. Then, I won’t care if the “time off” would eventually become permanent because I’m tired of the stuff you’re giving me; telling the public one story, while giving me another.

Yes, all we wanted was time off. We agreed to it because we wanted to get rid of that “lovey dovey” feelings in us. It doesn’t matter who initiated the “time off”, what was important was that both of us agreed to do so. A diplomatic solution at that point of time.

Why are you still talking about that conversation? I apologized, and you replied in your sms that you’ve long forgotten and forgiven about it. You mentioned in your blog you were really sincere when you said that.

Dear girl, why do you still brood over that matter then? It’s old news, people already know.

I thought it’d be over, but you just had to talk about that old conversation despite the bullshit about “forgotten and forgiven”. Don’t you even say that I’m making use of your soft spot. Do I need to make it clear that I’m not?

Why can’t you just acknowledge your mistakes like I acknowledged mine? You led me on. I took it as green and continued my march. I am not apologising for that.

Do you know why I’m even replying all this? You are not whom you potray yourself to be. Stop telling others how I’m such a bitch and how I’m all sinner and how you’re all saint.

There are two sides to every story.

“That was the reason why for the past few weeksss I tried to find ways and means for you to hate me. It’s painful for me to do that but I guess that’s the only way for you to stop liking me?”

You wanted me to hate you, so you did all those things. The great sacrifice you did. Yes yes, we all know. You know what the irony is, you still held on to me. As a friend? I bet.You want me to hate you like an enemy yet stay true as friends? Girl, it doesn’t make sense at all!

You were threading on fine line there when you made your blogpost. Haven’t you realised that I’ve been keeping mum all these while, taking the blame for you when you blog all those emo stuffs (which you deleted afterwards), making the public perceive you as that sweet, demure, girl-next-door fella.

“Say… Say whatever you wanna say about me..”

Thank you, I’ll take that as a cue.

During the first “break off” period, I called you because I didn’t want your emo spree to go berserk (though it already was, 5 days of crying, bad appetite and lack of sleep). I remember when I called you, you were crying hysterically, telling me to “Go away…Go away..” When I asked you further, I swear I heard a mumbled “I love you”. I don’t expect you to remember, you have STM anyway.

Girl, I wanted to end things then, but you didn’t allow me too. You stopped me. You scheduled to meet me that following Thursday after my school. I gave in eventually because I wanted to hear what you had to say. What’s this talk about me not having respect for you? So we made up, because I thought I could rid of that “lovey” feelings while we still remained as friends.

Holy fuck I was wrong. You told me to stop pursuing you. So what if I told your friend the same thing. So what if during the second “break off” period I wanted you back. Fuck baby, I was in love with you. I wanted you and your flaws.

I told you that there wouldn’t be a third time. I’m not asking for it now, you are. You are calling it off.

“Do you know that I took this big risk in befriending you? Zul doesn’t want me to contact you anymore but stupid me, I still contacted you. Cos why? Cos I thought you were really sincere.”

Hello. Your bf didn’t want you to contact me anymore EARLIER in the friendship. But you still did (we still talked, we still met up), because you thought I was sincere. I was. And I loved you. So what, it’s my fault now? And there you go about me having no respect? You jolly well knew I had been in love with you all that while. I never stopped. I wanted to keep to my word, not to pursue you. Give you your own space but you aren’t letting me do so. I had been sincere.

You kept me a secret. If it’s pure friendship you seek, why did you keep me a secret? Don’t say I didn’t have respect for you, I wanted you to tell him. I wanted you to tell the whole world. You refused. Why? Your boyfriend doesn’t allow you to have new guy friends? Or you just didn’t know how to tell

You kept on coming back to me, even when I ignored you. And you called me cranky when I did that.

“Friends don’t make friends’ life difficult, am I right?”

Right on. It always has to be about you, about how you feel, about your story. I’m sorry, but this phrase only works when people only hear one side of the story.

“P.S: I contacted your sister cos I wanna get your mailing address. I intended to post something for your birthday but I guess it’s not going to happen. Before it’s too late. Happy Advanced Birthday..”

What you people need to know is that she wasn’t going to post a birthday gift or anything like that. Yeah, she had you fooled right?

She was planning to give back a gift I gave her previously, a small and cute pink pearl. What is your motive to do so on my birthday?

Girl, she is my sister. We are CLOSER than you think. I saw the whole conversation of you and her. Why not I just post the conversation here, just so you know I’m not bullshitting. Just for everyone’s knowledge, I don’t blame her at all for this 20th May chat log. I really find it sweet lah, I mean she still thinks of me. But there are stuffs which…never mind have a look.

(20:19) ffeeeaa&: hello
(20:20) ffeeeaa&: you asked for my number kan?
(20:20) ? _ifAh: hey farah.. yeap.. but takpelah, i pun dah nampak you kat sini. heh
(20:20) ffeeeaa&: hehe, i replied to ur friendster msg.
(20:21) ? _ifAh: anyway, you’re using who’s comp? the comp inside your room?
(20:22) ffeeeaa&: yeap2
(20:23) ? _ifAh: cos if you use abang’s comp, he can track our conversation. cos the other day he read our conversation on his comp. shucks. so anyway, please dont tell ur abang about this cos i dont him to know. i actually intend to post something for his birthday. sadly, im not in talking terms with him anymore. so i need ur address.
(20:25) ffeeeaa&: ohh
(20:25) ffeeeaa&: yea, he read my convo. stuupid sia. abeh like ” i know your secret. “
(20:25) ffeeeaa&: grrr, tkd privacy kdg2 mann.
(20:25) ffeeeaa&: okay.
(20:25) ffeeeaa&: blk xxx
jurong xxxx st xx
#xx-xxx
singapore xxxxxx
(20:25) ? _ifAh: ya he told me that he read it. haiyoh.
(20:26) ? _ifAh: farah, please dont tell him anything kay about this? i just want to send him a little something
(20:26) ? _ifAh: and can you do me a favour?
(20:26) ffeeeaa&: sure
(20:26) ? _ifAh: can you pass to him on his birthday
(20:26) ? _ifAh: preferably on midnight itself? 31st may kan his birthday?
(20:26) ffeeeaa&: what if he already checked the mail earlier?
(20:27) ffeeeaa&: coz he always checks the mail.
(20:27) ? _ifAh: then if that’s the case, biar lah.
(20:28) ? _ifAh: i mean, at the end of the day, my intention is for him to receive it.
(20:28) ? _ifAh: but just dont tell him i ask you abt ur address
(20:29) ffeeeaa&: okayy
(20:29) ffeeeaa&: if he ask then i say.. maybe you ask his friends
(20:29) ffeeeaa&: eh?
(20:29) ffeeeaa&: hmmm
(20:30) ? _ifAh: he will suspect it’s you. if like that then just buat bodoh. nak admit pun boleh. but for now, dont tell him about my plan kay?
(20:31) ffeeeaa&: okayy
(20:31) ? _ifAh: sighh.. can you help me cekik him for me?
(20:31) ffeeeaa&: ill give you my pinkie.
(20:31) ffeeeaa&: hahhaha, wht happened?
(20:31) ? _ifAh:
(20:31) ? _ifAh: oh, he ar..
(20:31) ? _ifAh: donoe lah. he makes me cry every time.
(20:31) ? _ifAh: tak tenteram
(20:31) ffeeeaa&: hmmm
(20:32) ffeeeaa&: well, you dont cry laa okay? like me, gembeng tau. dier ajar maths slalu nk nangis
(20:32) ffeeeaa&: hehe
(20:32) ? _ifAh: hehe. i lagi gembeng, farah.
(20:33) ? _ifAh: you ingat that pink pearl tak?
(20:33) ffeeeaa&: hehehh. hmm, if he hurts you, dont cry okeh? Show him tht you are not affected by his emm,, stuff.
(20:33) ffeeeaa&: emm, wht pink pearl? oh the got one white and one pink?
(20:33) ? _ifAh: see lah, now im crying again, heh
(20:34) ffeeeaa&: aww
(20:34) ffeeeaa&: jgn jgn
(20:34) ffeeeaa&: nanti mate pandaaa!
(20:34) ? _ifAh: the other time he gave me this little pink pearl. it’s beautiful. and im gonna give it back to him. through post
(20:34) ? _ifAh: that thing means so much to me, farah. so so much
(20:34) ffeeeaa&: then keep it
(20:34) ? _ifAh: he asked me to keep it and bring it with me everywhere i go.
(20:34) ? _ifAh: i have it in my wallet.
(20:34) ? _ifAh: i keep it
(20:34) ffeeeaa&: no point giving it back to him..
(20:34) ? _ifAh: when i cry, i hold it tight in my palm
(20:35) ? _ifAh: no, really. no point keeping it also right?
(20:35) ? _ifAh: i just want him to keep it (although it was him who gave it to me)
(20:35) ? _ifAh: cos the pearl means so so much to me
(20:35) ffeeeaa&: hmm, at least when you all lost contact, (choiiiiiiiii) tht would be left of him that you would remember
(20:35) ? _ifAh: no dear. he’ll always be in my heart.
(20:36) ? _ifAh: so, letting go the pearl is..
(20:36) ? _ifAh: errr
(20:36) ffeeeaa&: ohh..
(20:36) ? _ifAh: nvm.
(20:36) ffeeeaa&: relax okehh? im sure things will be okay
(20:36) ? _ifAh: no.
(20:36) ? _ifAh: never will.
(20:36) ? _ifAh: this is like the 3rd time already
(20:37) ? _ifAh: the last time, abang cried so badly. he called me and cried so so bad sampai tersedu sedu
(20:37) ffeeeaa&: think positive. Yea, i know its the third time. Sometimes i think tht this is too much tht he’s doing it
(20:37) ffeeeaa&: omg, really? ALAMAK, SUSAAHHHH i tell you tau nk tengok abg nangis.
(20:37) ffeeeaa&: tk boleh imagine youuu!
(20:37) ffeeeaa&: hahah
(20:37) ? _ifAh: he cried a lot.
(20:37) ? _ifAh: throughout our friendship
(20:38) ffeeeaa&: ohh..
(20:38) ffeeeaa&: actually, wht are the things he do until you cry soo badly?
(20:38) ffeeeaa&: tell me i go smack is beberd.
(20:38) ffeeeaa&: (:
(20:38) ? _ifAh: he’s putting me in a difficult position so i have to let go.
(20:39) ? _ifAh: i donoe how to tell you. but it hurts so much
(20:39) ? _ifAh: i cant love him like how he loves me. he has no respect. that’s the thing he lack of
(20:39) ? _ifAh: what i ever wanted, is a pure friendship
(20:39) ? _ifAh: he expects too much
(20:39) ? _ifAh: i often breakdown.
(20:40) ? _ifAh: i know it’s painful for him too.
(20:40) ffeeeaa&: ohhh.
(20:40) ? _ifAh: but im a girl, damn it.
(20:40) ? _ifAh: a friend wont make another friend’s life difficult
(20:40) ? _ifAh: true?
(20:40) ffeeeaa&: so he wants to be more than friends, but you dont, and all you want is a pure friendship, when he doesn’t, and forcing it?
(20:40) ffeeeaa&: wait, may not force it but doing things to get there.
(20:40) ? _ifAh: YES.
(20:41) ? _ifAh: but when things dont go his way, that’s when we will start doing all this. (as in ignoring each other and stuff)
(20:41) ? _ifAh: and the feelings suck a lot
(20:42) ffeeeaa&: then tell him tht you can’t always get your way. he’s NOT going to control you,
(20:42) ffeeeaa&: hhah
(20:42) ffeeeaa&: i mean, even close friends have no right to control each other
(20:43) ? _ifAh: i donoe, farah. he expects more than i can give as a friend
(20:43) ? _ifAh: to tell the truth, Yes he means a lot to me.
(20:43) ffeeeaa&: god wathahell is wrong with him
(20:43) ? _ifAh: but he must understand me too.
(20:43) ? _ifAh: you know what
(20:43) ? _ifAh: he said, he cant be friends with me when he loves me
(20:43) ? _ifAh: sigh.
(20:43) ? _ifAh: then ok lah. i shall end this friendship then
(20:44) ? _ifAh: what a waste
(20:44) ? _ifAh: but no doubt, he is the most kind hearted person ever.
(20:44) ? _ifAh: he did a lot of things for me
(20:44) ? _ifAh: really2 a lot, farah
(20:44) ffeeeaa&: oh c’mon. love tkbleh like ke? get over it man, you already said that you dont wanna be more than friends, and he finds it hard to get it into his batu barin.
(20:44) ffeeeaa&: brain(
(20:44) ? _ifAh: and he said, ive changed him in a way that he’s much more softer now. and Yes, he cries. he did cry. in fact, a lot.
(20:45) ? _ifAh: but he has no respect for me. i’ve told nazirul about this.
(20:45) ? _ifAh: nazirul knows my problem
(20:45) ffeeeaa&: and ifah,
(20:45) ffeeeaa&: sorry to say tht
(20:46) ffeeeaa&: th eother time
(20:46) ffeeeaa&: i was sleeping at his room.
(20:46) ? _ifAh: uh uh?
(20:46) ffeeeaa&: late at night, he was talking to you on the phone, and i heard you crying.
(20:46) ? _ifAh: huh? when?
(20:46) ? _ifAh: i did?
(20:46) ffeeeaa&: i sadar, but i dint move coz i dont want him to suspect i was awake
(20:46) ffeeeaa&: and it was about tht nazirul, personal life thingy
(20:46) ffeeeaa&: and you wante dto apologise to nazirul but abg said you shouldnt coz ur not in the wrong
(20:47) ? _ifAh: ya i cried.
(20:47) ? _ifAh: so you heard the convo?
(20:47) ? _ifAh: gosh
(20:47) ffeeeaa&: yeah
(20:47) ffeeeaa&: abg tone ckp dier, menyampah seh
(20:48) ffeeeaa&: hahaha
(20:48) ? _ifAh: har?
(20:48) ? _ifAh: you mean?
(20:49) ? _ifAh: anyway, and the worst part is, abang bitched about me to my friend.
(20:49) ? _ifAh: my own gd friend
(20:49) ? _ifAh: gosh!!
(20:49) ffeeeaa&: HUH?!
(20:49) ? _ifAh: gdness gracious.
(20:49) ffeeeaa&: wht he say?
(20:49) ? _ifAh: you know xxx?
(20:49) ? _ifAh: my girlfriend
(20:49) ffeeeaa&: yeah
(20:49) ? _ifAh: he msn-ed xxx. he likes to confide in xxx. like what the? come one she’s my friend
(20:50) ? _ifAh: and she told me that abang buruk2 kan my name
(20:50) ? _ifAh: i was so sad lah
(20:50) ? _ifAh: i cried so much just now
(20:50) ? _ifAh: i was so hurt and disappointed
(20:50) ? _ifAh: padahal i tak buat apape
(20:50) ? _ifAh: sigh
(20:50) ? _ifAh:
(20:50) ffeeeaa&: aiiyooo
(20:50) ffeeeaa&: abg nihhh
(20:50) ffeeeaa&: problem dah besar tkya la besar2kan lagi
(20:50) ffeeeaa&: mmg tadaaa otak man
(20:51) ? _ifAh: i tak pernah bitch about abang to my friends seh. even though abang at times, get on my nerves and makes me sad.
(20:51) ? _ifAh: i donoe lah farah. im so soft. i keep crying and crying non stop
(20:52) ffeeeaa&: poor thing
(20:52) ? _ifAh: im gonna be ok i gues
(20:52) ? _ifAh: *guess
(20:52) ffeeeaa&: hmm you will
(20:52) ffeeeaa&: sigh im also feeling like, ergh
(20:52) ? _ifAh: but abang is really a nice guy
(20:53) ? _ifAh: he lack of respect, tu aje
.
.
.
(21:04) ? _ifAh: ya for now dont tink too much about it kay.
(21:04) ffeeeaa&: okie dokie. (:
(21:04) ffeeeaa&: ahaha
(21:04) ffeeeaa&: and you dont cry okeh?
(21:05) ? _ifAh: ive stopped for now. just stopped. heh. i think i will breakdown again later.
(21:05) ? _ifAh: arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh
(21:05) ? _ifAh: sedih ah farah
(21:05) ffeeeaa&: hahha
(21:06) ffeeeaa&: minum ginger beer. my fav drink
(21:12) ffeeeaa&: ifaaah, you there kan?
(21:12) ? _ifAh: Yes Im still here dear..
(21:12) ? _ifAh: ginger beer?
(21:12) ffeeeaa&: what you doing?
(21:12) ? _ifAh: i suke root beer.
(21:13) ? _ifAh: me doing nothing.
(21:13) ? _ifAh: sad aje
(21:13) ? _ifAh: heh
(21:13) ffeeeaa&: haha, emo ke?
(21:13) ffeeeaa&: ceh, tkmuh emo.
(21:13) ffeeeaa&: hehh
(21:13) ? _ifAh: hurt
(21:13) ? _ifAh: heart pain
(21:13) ? _ifAh: tu aje
(21:13) ? _ifAh: where’s abang?
(21:13) ffeeeaa&: out with mama
(21:13) ? _ifAh: oh. to bishan?
(21:14) ffeeeaa&: yeaah
(21:14) ? _ifAh: they always go to bishan kan
(21:14) ffeeeaa&: yeaahp
(21:14) ? _ifAh: selalu abang balik dari bishan, he will call me
(21:14) ? _ifAh: haha but no more now.
(21:14) ? _ifAh: woohooo
(21:14) ffeeeaa&: hahahha,
(21:14) ? _ifAh: my woohoo, is sad punye wohoo tau
(21:14) ? _ifAh: ahahaa
(21:14) ffeeeaa&: oh eh?
(21:14) ffeeeaa&: oh ingatkn happy ner
(21:14) ffeeeaa&: if my happy wohoooo
(21:15) ffeeeaa&: if my sad boooooooooo
(21:15) ffeeeaa&: heheh
(21:15) ? _ifAh: ok Booohooo hen
(21:15) ? _ifAh: *then
(21:15) ? _ifAh: ahaha
(21:15) ffeeeaa&: heheh

I was in awe when I saw one particular part about you even telling stuff to my COUSIN?!? What does this have to do with him? What are you trying to do girl? You trying to get my family against me now, is that it? Prove you’re clean, while I’m a sinner? That’s what you always do, don’t you? Implicate others to save your face. You did it to me before, and now too.

Of course you don’t realise it until someone outside of your frame tells you you are. That’s human tendency.

You say I bitch about you all the time. Do you realise you bitch about me all the time to your friends yourself? Bitch about me to my sister and cousin. Now bitch about me to the whole world. I guess we’re even.

That wasn’t all. She smsed my sister again on the 24th during my “kenduri arwah” to ask about me, and told my sister that she misses me.

What is wrong with you, hish. I do appreciate your concern very much, girl. I really do. Even at this stage, you still care for me. But the way you tell your stories to people are…are contrasting. The purpose of my stupid post is to just show that things are not what it seems; to show the other side of the story.

“You’ll eventually find a girl who will feel that you’re important to her.”

Again, this is purely for your readers right? Readers whom hear one side of the story and claim its authenticity just by hearing your story. You’re telling me that I was never important to you, however it felt painful to make me hate you? Atrocious contradiction I must say. Or am I just too thick skinned?

Stop playing these games with me.

I didn’t want it to end this way. We both wanted a “time off”. But you’ve decided on the 20th May (apparently, way before that when you wanted to make me hate you), so be it.

Thank you for all the good memories you’ve given me. Likewise, I believe I’ve given you some good memories too. You’re welcome.

Let it be known to all, that the only “guy best friend” of hers willing to take and stand up for this shit is me.

and a whole lot of stuff undocumented…